Hi everyone! I’m really sorry I haven’t been on my blogging game recently, so I wanted to do something really fun for my next post. Whether you love or hate reality television, I can guarantee (completely subjectively) that your entire life will be changed for the better after this. This started out as a PowerPoint that I was sending around to a few of my friends, but because I have an infectable (is that a word?) personality, I naturally elevated the intensity of the entire affair. So, without further ado, go get your lives!

Intro

I was bored. To cure myself of this ailment, I decided to work on something that gave me energy. So why not the Real Housewives? Too many of my friends have no clue who/what I am referencing at least 70% (a purely scientific conclusion) of the time, so I decided to be a great person and give you an abridged account of their impact on my life. The ladies are ranked from my least favorite to favorite. This is done for pure fun and entertainment; I love my ladies of Bravo in the many forms they take!

Disclaimer: There are many more Housewives than those listed in this learning aid. I only listed the women that I’ve witnessed in action.

KEY

TBD: To Be Determined. These women are new and their season has not aired yet/is currently on the air in their first season as a cast member. Therefore, I cannot make any conclusions.

Honorable Mentions: Classified as “Friends of the Housewives”. Often brought in as friends so they can be tested with viewer responses to determine if they would bring enough ratings if promoted to “Housewife.” I’ve only listed the ones who have had a significant impact on my viewing experience.

*(Ranking): A queen and an overall benefit to the franschise and the best (worst) kind of crazy, but ranked lower than what some could expect from a fan fave because I don’t see myself realistically enjoying their presence.

IMAGE CREDIT

All GIFs are from RealityTVGifs
All full-length shots are from Bravo
All GIFs for the Real Housewives of Melbourne are from MELT THEM DOWN INTO DIAMONDS

HERE WE GOOOOOO

TBD. Demetria McKinney, Atlanta

Singer, Actress

TBD. Claudia Jordan, Atlanta

Friends with Kenya Moore (LORD, HELP US) [See #43]
Former Miss Rhode Island

TBD. Lisa Rinna, Beverly Hills

Soap opera actor.
Married to Harry Hamlin.
Does she really need this show? Well whatevs; in the teaser she throws a drink and a glass (at #39), so she looks fiesty!

TBD. Eileen Davidson, Beverly Hills

Emmy-winning actor (DO YOU REALLY NEED THIS SHOW?).
The trailer suggests she will clash with #52, who bothers me to no end, so I like her already!

60. Andrea Moss, Melbourne

“Never come between a woman and her plastic surgeon.”

Entrepreneur with an insane list for her nannies (yes, PLURAL) to do.
Needs to let everyone know that she’s rich.
Wrote a book for working moms (which failed in focus groups) that the publisher thinks is wack, but she swears nobody recognizes her brilliance.

59. Tamra Judge, Orange County

“I call the shots in my life now, and I have good aim.”

Really good at yelling.
Owns a gym.
Son married a girl he met on Instagram.
Lies, talks about everyone, can’t keep a secret, then lies when called out on it.

58. Aviva Drescher, New York City

“When people tell me I’m fake, I know they’re just pulling my leg.”

Fran Drescher’s cousin. Has a prosthetic leg and a multitude of phobias.
Keeps saying it takes a village to write a book, but she (a non-professional writer) wrote hers alone. And she said that an award-winning journalist (see #6) didn’t write hers alone.
Goes from calm to cray in .0001 seconds.

57. Adrienne Maloof, Beverly Hills

“Know your friends, and show your enemies to the door.”

Part-owner of the Sacramento Kings.
Part of the Maloof Family dynasty.
Manipulative; pretty sure she has her chef run to Radar Online to plant stories.
Says “friends don’t sue friends,” but proceeded to threaten legal action against her (now former) friend (see #52) for revealing that she used a surrogate.

56. Lydia Schiavello, Melbourne

“I may look like a jet-setter, but my feet are firmly on the ground.”

Literally one of the most childish people I’ve ever experienced.
Thinks she’s cool for talking about sex, (ALL THE TIME) but it’s just icky.
Tries to sound sophisticated but she’s just so dumb, which she denies because she flies a plane THAT SHE WON’T LET US FORGET SHE OWNS.

55. Gretchen Rossi, Orange County

“I’m smart, I’m sexy, I’m confident; of course people are going to talk about me.”

Tries to sing. Can’t.
Handbag designer.
Fiancé has had problems with having a job/paying child support.

54. Alexis Bellino, Orange County

“I thank God every day for my life, and you would too.”

Has a bedazzled Bible. Aptly nicknamed “Jesus Jugs.”
Designer.
Realllllyyy whiny.

53. Alex McCord, New York City

“I’ve always had opinions, but now people know it.”

Author of Little Kids, Big City with her husband, Simon.
She and her husband seem slightly off.
Uncomfortable to watch.

52. Brandi Glanville, Beverly Hills

“In Beverly Hills, the higher you climb, the farther you fall.”

Ex-husband cheated on her with LeAnn Rimes.
Potty mouth.
Views herself as the herald of truth.
Bites the hand that fed her (see #1).

51. Kyle Richards, Beverly Hills

“I’m born and raised in Beverly Hills; this is my town.”

Child actor; Paris Hilton’s aunt, does splits on tables.
Wants everyone to ignore rumors about her family, but doesn’t stop talking about them.
Wants to make #1 apologize under a guise of wanting to be friends, but it’s sooo a power play for the crown.

50. Ana Quincoces, Miami

“Whether in the courtroom or in the kitchen, I bring the heat.”

Author of Cuban Chicks Can Cook.
Lawyer and chef.
Boring until reunion, where she suddenly spoke up and came for a woman’s (see #29) son.

49. Teresa Aprea & Nicole Napolitano, New Jersey

“You’re not seeing double; you’re seeing trouble!”

Twins, and are actually the same person.
Teresa’s (pronounced Te-REH-sa) husband was rumored to have slept with HER MOTHER.
Nicole loves her boyfriend, then hates him, then loves him.
Just loud and catty. Rarely have I ever observed such irrational thought processes when dealing with conflict.

*48. Danielle Staub, New Jersey

“You’re either gonna love me or hate me. There is no in-between with me.”

Changed her name, got arrested, and had tell-all book written about her.
Preaches “love and light” but brings (presumed) felons to events for protection….
Chased by Teresa (#17), assaulted by Jacqueline’s (#18) daughter; don’t call her “honey.”

*47. Ramona Singer, New York City

“Get the Pinot ready because it’s Turtle Time!”

Loves her some pinot grigio!
Literally threw a glass at a woman (see #21) because she SPLASHED HER.
Faced a bit of unfortunate karma when she teased the Countess (#7) about being cheated on, and now her husband is (allegedly) cheating on her.

46. Joanna Krupa, Miami

“Don’t hate me because I have it all. Hate me because I’m beautiful.”

Model and animal rights activist.
Seemingly always the drunkest one.
Bridezilla.
Made nasty comments about #9 having difficulties conceiving.

45. Melissa Gorga, New Jersey

“I live a life that most girls only dream of.”

Wanted to be a singer, *sigh* but I guess she realized she’ll never reach the greatness of “Money Can’t Buy You Class” (See #7).
Used to hate her sister-in-law (see #17).
Wrote a book with a section that may or may not advocate marital rape.

44. Amber Marchese, New Jersey

“I’m a survivor; no one is bringing me down.”

Columbia graduate and cancer survivor.
Her husband, Jim, makes a better Housewife than she does.
Always in the middle of rumors.
Ambushed (both physically and socially) by the Twins (see #49).

*43. Kenya Moore, Atlanta

“I won Miss USA, not Miss Congeniality.”

Second African American woman to win Miss USA (DON’T CALL HER MISS AMERICA) after Carole Gist.
Bites off of others’ ideas. Thirsty.
“Every day, somebody thinks I’m Beyoncé.”
Twirls, and the reason props are banned at reunions.

42. Shereé Whitfield, Atlanta

“I like things that are elegant and sophisticated, just like me.”

Has (had?) a shoe line.
Been building a house for years, and I’m pretty sure it will never be done.
Throws errrbody under the bus.
Another one with a single.

41. Marysol Patton, Miami

“My job is about making fast decisions, but my personal life, I leave up to destiny.”

PR Maven.
Tries to make “cockies” (cocktails) a thing.
Was accosted by a drag queen.
Mother, Elsa (see Honorable Mentions), is a mystic.

40. Taylor Armstrong, Beverly Hills

“I fought too hard for this zip code to go home now.”

Volunteers for the 1736 Family Crisis Center.
Was in an abusive relationship before her husband committed suicide.
Always brings the conversation back to herself.

39. Kim Richards, Beverly Hills

“Everybody loves a comeback story, especially starring me.”

Alcoholic :(. Loves turtles.
Usually fights with sister (#51), all season, gangs up with her on everyone else at reunion.
Has the best confessionals.

38. Adriana De Moura, Miami

“People say I have secrets, but I say I am full of surprises!”

Punched Joanna (#46) in the face.
Hid that she was married for 5 years.
Speaks 5 languages.

37. Kelly Killoren-Bensimon, New York City

“I’m living the American Dream, one mistake at a time.”

Model and Playmate.
I never was sure if she was completely connected to reality.
She really liked gummy bears.

36. Jackie Gillies, Melbourne

“My husband may be a rock star, but now it’s my turn to shine, shine, shine.”

Psychic. Says “Shine, Shine, Shine,” all the time and it is SO ANNOYING.
Called Gina’s relationship (#11) out on infidelity.
Tries to act like she’s the most down-to-earth, but she’s just as thirsty as those she tries to differentiate herself from.

35. Sonja Morgan, New York City

“A little Sonja will spice up any party!”

Has (had?) a line of toaster ovens, and like a billion other “businesses” that only she is aware of.
Trapped in her 20s.
To my knowledge, all productivity is ensured by her army of (UNPAID) interns and an apparent homeless girl in Ireland who tweets for her (I AM HONESTLY NOT MAKING THIS UP).

*34. Nene Leakes, Atlanta

“I have arrived, and the spotlight is on me, honey.”

Actor on Glee, The New Normal (canceled) and now Broadway as the Wicked Stepmother in Cinderella.
Her hustle is admirable.
Hilarious, and she is VERY RICH, BITCH.
Can dish it, but can’t take it. I sense a misplaced superiority complex…

33. Yolanda Foster, Beverly Hills

“I like to have fun, but I don’t play games.”

Has a small, accidental lemon grove in her backyard.
“Who is Adrienne Maloof in this world? She’s nobody.” – QUOTE OF SEASON 3
Living with Lyme Disease.
Jumped on the irrational “LET’S HATE LISA” train.

32. Carlton Gebbia, Beverly Hills

“In my world, money doesn’t talk; it swears.”

Interior architectural designer and Wiccan.
Aggressively sexual. Like she just won’t stop bragging about her sex life and showing her toys and it’s just a lot.
I wish she and #5 got along because they were the only ones with basic sense when everybody else came for Lisa in Season 4.

31. Vicki Gunvalson, Orange County

“I’m my own boss, and it’s time for a raise.”

President/Founder of Coto Insurance & Financial SVCS.
The loudest woman I have ever experienced.
Probably being manipulated by a seemingly opportunist boyfriend.

30. Jill Zarin, New York City

“Good or bad, I know who I am, and I own it.”

Has a fabric store or something.
Always introduces herself with her full name.
Ex-BFFs with Bethenny (see #19).
Desperately trying to stay relevant.

29. Lea Black, Miami

“I can deal with a lot of things, but I can’t deal with stupid.”

Unofficial “Mayor of Miami.”
Philanthropist.
Apparently she is on a special list of people who can buy Birkin bags; she got one for #9.
Ex-BFFs with Adriana (see #38) due to trust issues with her.

28. Karent Sierra, Miami

“If you don’t like my smile, then don’t look my way.”

Celebrity dentist and spokesperson for Colgate.
She will beat you to your tweet (see #20).
Publicly humiliated by actor ex-boyfriend when his cheating was made apparent in magazines.

27. Janet Roach, Melbourne

“When life throws rocks, I melt them down into diamonds.”

Divorced a bunch.
Very likable until she tries to take moral stances because she is a flip-flopper and can’t get stories straight.

26. Caroline Manzo, New Jersey

“Life is short; I have no time for drama.”

Holier-than-thou.
She has “no time for drama” (honey, you know you’re on Bravo, right?).
Feuding with her sister (see #4).

25. Kathy Wakile, New Jersey

“People say that I’m sweet, but I’m tough, so don’t cross me.”

Said Teresa (#17) left her daughter UNATTENDED (during a brawl at a christening, I think). This was recurring.
Makes cannolis.
Always overlooked.

24. Camille Grammer, Beverly Hills

“Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend. Freedom is.”

Kelsey Grammer’s ex-wife.
First nasty, then nice, then nasty again.
“She is so pernicious.” -She’s got some great one-liners.
Has a drunk, electric cigarette-smoking psychic friend (see Honorable Mentions).

23. Porsha Williams, Atlanta

“People say I live a picture-perfect life, and I do.”

Granddaughter of Hosea Williams, a Civil Rights activist in Martin Luther King, Jr.’s inner circle (GET OFF THE SHOW).
Ex-wife of Kordell Stewart. Discovered the divorce on Twitter.
Literally dragged Kenya (#43) across the floor.

22. Kim Zolciak Biermann, Atlanta

“People call me a gold digger, but they just want what I have.”

Sooo many wigs!
Voice behind “Tardy for the Party” (check that out; it’s amazing).
More excuses than minutes in a day.
Has one of the cutest families on Bravo.

21. Kristen Taekman, New York City

“I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I’m pretty!!”

Model.
Fought with her husband all season.
Planned maybe the most boring Housewives trip in history.
Ramona (#47) split her lip by throwing a glass at her.

20. Alexia Echevarria, Miami

“This Cuban doll is back on the scene, and living the dream.”

Executive Editor of Venue Magazine.
Psychiatrist mother, drug dealer ex-husband.
Speaks reallllllyyyy quickly.
One of the two seemingly mature women on her franchise.

19. Bethenny Frankel, New York City

“New York City is my playground.”

Creator of the Skinnygirl cocktails.
Said she doesn’t believe she’s famous despite being on TV for years (girl, what).
Super sarcastic.
Had a talk show until it was canceled after only one season.

18. Jacqueline Laurita, New Jersey

“I’ve faced my share of challenges, but I’m tougher than I look.”

Friends with EVERY antagonist before everyone hates them (see #48 & #17).
Caroline and Dina’s sister-in-law (#26 & #4).
I’m 90% sure all of her tweets are written under the influence (TUI?).

*17. Teresa Giudice, New Jersey

“Haters gonna hate, but I just love, love, love.”

See GIF above

*17. Teresa Giudice, New Jersey

“Haters gonna hate, but I just love, love, love.”

Okay, so I have to be real for like 5 seconds: In an odd and perverse way, Teresa is the reason I am going into Entertainment. I would never watch the Housewives until there was nothing on but the Season 1 marathon and I experienced the table flip. From that point on, I became much more invested in learning about the industry. So hearing of her going to prison for a whole lot of fraud is devastating. She deserves it because she broke the law, but there will always be a selfish part of me solely wondering how the show will live on without its OG. #FreeTre #BuyFabellini </seriousness>

16. Heather Dubrow, Orange County

“You may think I have it all, but I’m just getting started.”

Actor. Recently had a role o Hawaii Five-O.
Etiquette police.
Told off for being too condescending, even though she was attacked by, like, everyone with barely half her IQ for the entire season.

15. Chyka Keebaugh, Melbourne

“My fabulous life comes down to love and laughter; not luck.”

Owns a catering company.
Constantly in a state of “WTF” when she is surrounded by her castmates.

14. Cynthia Bailey, Atlanta

“Beauty fades. Class is forever.”

Model, founder of The Bailey Agency School of Fashion.
Always crying. Tends to be related to her husband not sharing his financial activities and, often, failures.
Writes Friend Contracts. AND BURNS THEM (see Season 7). Ex-BFFs with Nene (#31) because Nene called her husband a bitch.

13. Lydia McLaughlin, Orange County

“You only live once, but if you work it right, once is enough.”

Managing Editor of the Beverly Hills Lifestyle Magazine.
Mother loves to smoke weed.

12. Lizzie Rosvek, Orange County

“Standing out is so much more fun than fitting in.”

Clothing designer and former Miss Kentucky USA.
Quick to call everyone (mainly #59) out on their BS.

11. Gina Liano, Melbourne

“I’ll give you my opinion, but you’d better be ready to hear it.”

Barrister (Lawyer). Self-pronounced “Ultimate Drag Queen.”
Habitually late. Fibs a little.
I love when she gets in arguments because she’s clearly more intelligent than basically every one of her castmates. She annihilates them.

10. Phaedra Parks, Atlanta

“I’m a Southern Belle: brains, booty, and all business.”

Lawyer/Mortician/Southern Belle/Donk-ologist.
Has a line of tasers, Phaedra Sparks, and a Donkey-booty workout video.
~~Ex-con~~ Husband going to prison for some type of identify theft.
Delivers reads of apocalyptic proportions (#43).

9. Lisa Hochstein, Miami

“My husband’s a top plastic surgeon in this town, and I’m his best creation.”

Does photo shoots with her maid, Daysy.
Having difficulty conceiving with her husband.
Really funny.

8. Shannon Beador, Orange County

“The O.C. is full of secrets, but I have nothing to hide.”

All about holistic remedies.
Unfortunately had her marital problems spread around by some of the girls (#16 & #59).
Kooky, candid, and refreshing.

7. Countess LuAnn de Lesseps, New York City

“To some people, living elegantly just comes naturally.”

Goddess behind “Money Can’t Buy You Class.”
Didn’t have a tagline, but spent all three parts of the reunion on the couch; WHEN WILL YOUR FAVE EVER??
Retweeted me sooo y’all can hate away.
“Karma’s a bitch.” (#47)

6. Carole Radziwill, New York City

“If you’re going to talk about me behind my back, at least check out my great ass.”

Princess, and award-winning journalist.
Pretty much slandered by Aviva (#58) saying that she didn’t write her memoirs of her late husband dying of cancer. She couldn’t sue because she’s contractually obligated to not sue castmates.
Very witty. BFFs with Heather (#3).

5. Joyce Giraud de Ohoven, Beverly Hills

Actress, philanthropist, former Miss World Puerto Rico and former Miss Universe Puerto Rico.
Wife to Academy-nominated director Michael Ohoven.
Handles drunken, vulgar, catty guests (see #52) with unimaginable grace.
I’m very upset she got fired after only one season.

4. Dina Manzo, New Jersey

“I’m back to bring the zen. Namaste, bitches!”

Loves her hairless and disabled pets.
Has (had?) a show on HGTV, “Dina’s Party”.
BFFs with Teresa (#17), fighting with sister and sister-in-law (#26 & #18).
Very dry humor, very spiritual.

3. Heather Thomson, New York City

“My success is built on making women look, and feel, their best. HOLLA!”

Says “HOLLA!” a lot; fiercely loyal.
Chased Ramona (see #47) around a room to prove her point.
Has, like, 18 registered patents. She is Spanx’s competition.
Used to work with Diddy.

2. Kandi Burruss, Atlanta

“I have fame and fortune, and I’ve earned it.”

Wrote for TLC, P!nk, and Destiny’s Child!!!
GRAMMY-award winning songwriter.
Former member of girl group, Xscape.
Has a sex toy line, Bedroom Kandi.
Cranky when hungry (my kind of girl).
Mother (see Honorable Mentions) hates Kandi’s husband, whom she believes is a gold digger.

1. Lisa Vanderpump, Beverly Hills

“Life in Beverly Hills is a game, and I make the rules.”

Restaurateur and former actress. Has the cutest dog on television.
Little patience for idiocy.
When the other girls think they’re grown (#57, #52, #51, #39, #33) they come for crown and she still owns them.
Has sangria and tableware lines.
British, and the Queen we deserve.

Honorable Mentions

Allison Dubois, Beverly Hills

Mama Elsa, Miami

Mama Joyce, Atlanta

Rosie Pierri, New Jersey

Kim D., New Jersey

Kim G., New Jersey

Andy Cohen, Mastermind

MILANIA GIUDICE, THE FUTURE QUEEN OF REALITY TV

RANKING**

FIRST PLACE: ATLANTA
NeNe Leakes	34
Kandi Burruss	2
Phaedra Parks	10
Cynthia Bailey	14
Kenya Moore	43
Porsha Williams	23
Sheree Whitfield	42
Kim Zolciak Biermann	22
Claudia Jordan
Demetria McKinney
TOTAL	190
AVERAGE	23.75

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SECOND PLACE: NEW YORK CITY
Ramona Singer	47
LuAnn de Lesseps	7
Sonja Morgan	35
Aviva Drescher	58
Carole Radziwill	6
Heather Thomson	3
Kristen Taekman	21
Bethenny Frankel	19
Jill Zarin	30
Alex McCord	53
Kelly Killoren-Bensimon	37
TOTAL	316
AVERAGE	28.72

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THIRD PLACE: NEW JERSEY
Teresa Giudice	17
Caroline Manzo	26
Jacqueline Laurita	18
Melissa Gorga	45
Kathy Wakile	25
Dina Manzo	4
Danielle Staub	48
Amber Marchese	44
Teresa Aprea & Nicole Napolitano	49
TOTAL	276
AVERAGE	30.6

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FOURTH PLACE: ORANGE COUNTY
Vicki Gunvalson	31
Tamra Judge	49
Heather Dubrow	37
Lydia McLaughlin	13
Gretchen Rossi	55
Alexis Bellino	54
Shannon Beador	8
Lizzie Rosvek	12
TOTAL	259
AVERAGE	32.375

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FIFTH PLACE:MIAMI
Adriana De Moura	38
Lea Black	29
Alexia Echevarria	20
Lisa Hochstein	9
Joanna Krupa	46
Karent Sierra	28
Marysol Patton	41
Ana Quincoces	50
TOTAL	261
AVERAGE	32.625

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SIXTH PLACE: BEVERLY HILLS
Lisa Vanderpump	1
Kyle Richards	51
Kim Richards	39
Brandi Glanville	52
Yolanda Foster	33
Joyce Giraud de Ohoven	5
Carlton Gebbia	32
Camille Grammer	24
Adrienne Maloof	57
Taylor Armstrong	40
Lisa Rinna
Eileen Davidson
TOTAL	334
AVERAGE	33.4

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SEVENTH PLACE: MELBOURNE
Gina Liano	11
Chyka Keebaugh	15
Janet Roach	27
Jackie Gillies	36
Lydia Schiavello	56
Andrea Moss	60
TOTAL	205
AVERAGE	34.16667

**Please note that these mathematical rankings are solely the quantitative listing of the women. My actual love for each franchise is different from the sole numeric breakdown. My qualitative ranking of the franchises is:

Atlanta
Beverly Hills
New York City
New Jersey
Miami
Melbourne
Orange County

Well, that’s it!! I’m glad your quality of living has increased substantially in the time it took you to read this. God bless the Real Housewives.

YOU’RE WELCOME

Peace, love, and Blue Ivy Carter,

Jalen

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